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Archive for the tag “love”

If I’d Only Known

Language alert! If you are offended by a little profanity, then please forgive me or choose to read a different post. 

I’ve lost momentum on my 500 words per day, so I’m going to get some in now before bed time. Per Jeff Goins, I’ll write about something that I wish someone would’ve told me 10 years ago. Or maybe long before that. Yes, in my teens and 20’s.

I wish someone would’ve told me that there is more to life after high school besides finding a boyfriend, getting married, and having children. Mind you, I did only the first, and it was the worst 3 years I’ve ever experienced with relationships.

I grew up on Disney movies, with Prince Charming and happily-ever-afters clouding how I perceived myself and what my goals were and my potential to grow as an individual.

I went to church with well-meaning leaders and pastors who perpetuated this ideal. No where did anyone mention to me the possibility of traveling, seeing and experiencing the world while I was young while having few adult responsibilities. My parents were just trying to make ends meet. To dream too much wasn’t practical. It didn’t pay the bills or put groceries in the fridge. So, they didn’t exactly pump me up with, “You can do whatever you set your mind to” or “Go see the world” or “Create, invent, experience.”

In the church world that I was so busily dedicated to, it was always, “Why aren’t you married yet?” or “Haven’t you met anyone yet? Don’t worry, God will bring you someone in His timing.” Though the latter might be true, why did everyone assume that I couldn’t be complete or a whole, content person unless I said “I do”? It made me feel inferior. Like my life wouldn’t really start until I found someone who would love me forever as his wife.

I spent years in singles groups, reading books about finding your mate, making lists of “What I Want in a Husband.” I guess I can look at it as a learning process, but it kind of makes me sick right now to think how much time was dedicated to these things instead of just learning about and enjoying who I was.

As a 47 year-old, strong, and content woman, I’m just going to say that all of that was total bullshit! Now, I’m not saying that I don’t respect marriage and see it as a covenant before God. What I AM saying is that it’s not for everyone and it shouldn’t be expected of anyone, nor should it be suggested for anyone under the age of 30! NO ONE knows who the hell they are when they’re 20! Divorce is rampant, so why push marriage on “kids” who don’t have a fucking clue about being themselves. Who are self-centered insecure to the point of trying to control the other person?

I wish someone would’ve encouraged me to somehow raise money to go be an exchange student somewhere. Or just to go visit another country. I wish someone would’ve guided me through my college years. My parents didn’t have the experience to do that. The only friends of my dad who had gone to college had majored in psychology and philosophy. He thought they were nuts and had strange ways of thinking. He was afraid I’d do that too. Become too big for my britches and think I was above all the common folk. (Truth be told, every young person thinks they know more than their parents until about age 25.)

I believe everyone can benefit from leaving their own comfort zone, if only for a few days, a few weeks, a few months. Get out of your own little world and see that there are other cultures to learn from, other people with different traditions than you. With different ideas. I don’t mean you have to suddenly embraced someone else’s belief system. Just learn about it. And in the process, you’ll learn that you’re not so different from them. They laugh, love, hurt, and hate just like you do. They have goals, ambitions, likes, dislikes, personality quirks just like you do.

With all of that being said, I’m finally in a relationship. A year ago yesterday, we met. And we’ve been learning about each other ever since. Slow and steady, we’re experiencing life with each other. Allowing each other to be themselves. Is it always easy.? No, of course not, but so far, it’s fulfilling enough for us to want to keep going.

If I’d only known back then that being in a committed relationship does not define me. We should complement each other, make each other better individuals. That’s what I’m trying to do now. If I’d only known.

 

 

 

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Today’s Roller-Coaster Moods

I was on an emotional roller coaster today. Weepy. Grateful. Thanking God that all my students and colleagues are safe. Thinking, “Why am I responding so strongly? I wasn’t even in the mix of what happened. I was just working in my room while everything unfolded.” It could have been so much worse. The potential was brewing, but no one was hurt. Too many students and teachers eslewhere have experienced so much more. Horrific, graphic tragedies. We didn’t. But, I was still emotional. I guess it’s the realization of what could have transpired. I’m sure there’s a scientific or medical term for it, but I don’t feel like looking it up right now.

My colleagues who responded, running on fear and adrenaline, kept the situation under control. Kept us safe. My heart expands for them. Much respect. Much gratitude.

I’m sad for the two who made wrong choices because they are receiving consequences for their actions that will change the course of their lives, at least for several years.

To be honest, one thing that might be playing in to my emotional state is the fact that I went two days without my hormones. Makes it a little more intense. I’m hoping to get a good night’s sleep tonight. I should schedule a massage soon. I need the stress worked out. The weekend is coming up. Love me some weekend relaxation.

This isn’t going to make my 500 words, but I’m rambling to sort out some thoughts before I go to bed. Maybe tomorrow I’ll write something more significant, or more cohesive.

 

Strong and Steady

Strong and steady is our love. Love is different this time. Why? Could be that I’m not 20 or 30 years old any more. Could be that I’m wiser. Could be that I’ve been “established” on my own for many years and have learned to be independent, even when it wasn’t fun. Could be that I’m “set in my ways.” Could be that my libido is lower and doesn’t overpower conversation or reason. Or the need to sleep. Ha!

Could be that I never really needed the “type” of person that I thought I needed. Could be that chains of legalistic religious viewpoints have clinked to the ground and changed my perspective. Could be that I’m not as judgmental as I used to be, given the aforementioned release from legalism. Could be that I can love more unconditionally than I used to be capable of (although, that’s a trait I always strived to attain and live by). Could be that I take my people (my loved ones) for granted less and less as reality taunts that none of us are promised another minute, day, week, or year on this earth. Make the most of each moment, be aware and available. Make memories. Make friends. Make love.

Am I head-over-heels in love? I don’t know. Does my love for him grow daily? Absolutely. I think I prefer the latter. Is he my soul-mate? I don’t know, but based on how things have been going the past 10 months, I think we could grow to be soul-mates. It’s about the journey together. The experiences together. The gains. The losses. The trying new things. The nostalgia. The disagreements. The times when I feel that he gets me. The times we shake our heads, utterly confused by the other.

It’s still new. Still floundering. Still discovering. I hope that one never stops. Keeps it interesting. I need some adventure. I also need stability. Comfort. I feel that with him. Comfortable, that is. He is stable. He’s not quite an adventurer, though maybe the fact that he chose to be with me is adventure enough for him. {smile} Suffice to say, I’m enjoying the ride. I’m enjoying loving him and being loved by him.

 

Working On Me!

Since the whole Tinder-scammer fiasco last year (see posts below), I have had some pleasant dates with actual, real non-scamming dudes. However, I’m still trying to figure out this whole dating gig, even after being single for {cough}, let’s just say, a while now.

I’ve been on another dating site that has been a little less scammy, but I’m finding out more and more about myself as I trek along.

I don’t remember exactly how, but last summer, I stumbled upon multiple YouTube channels of these guys who provide dating and relationship advice to women. I’m a teacher, so that whole lifelong learner mantra stands true with me. I’m a sponge for information, especially when it’s secret intelligence that promises to enlighten me about the male psyche and how the hell I can avoid the emotional peril and perplexities I’ve encountered throughout my not-so-impressive dating life. So, I subscribed to a few of these guys’ YouTube channels.

Now, these experts charge for classes, webinars, downloads, and videos because these are their businesses. But, they also offer free tid-bits, to lure you in. I don’t mean that negatively, though. Truly, the only reason I haven’t already purchased one or more of their programs is because I’m an Oklahoma teacher, and I HAVE. NO. MONEY.

Let me tell you what their videos have done for me thus far.

  • They have encouraged me.
  • They have reminded me that I’m valuable, and that I need to act like it.
  • They have made me more aware of times when my behavior or attitude exudes insecurities instead of confidence.
  • They have shown me that I sometimes allow the negative and hurtful things from past relationships (dating or platonic) to dictate how I perceive the world, my circumstances, and men.
The main takeaway for me is this: Work on me. Make sure I’m happy within myself before I add a long-term relationship to the mix.

Now, I’ve known this in my head for a long time, and I thought just knowing it to be true was all that was necessary. But it’s not. I have to work on it, apply it, keep learning about myself and adjusting accordingly as I go. It’s not an overnight thing. It’s not a I’ve got it, I’ve arrived thing, either. It’s a growing, cultivating work of art. Yep, I’m a work of art and God is the artist. I know that analogy is overused, but it’s true. And I like it, so there. 😉

Does this mean I’m not allowing myself to meet and talk to guys? Nope! I’m just doing it with incremental confidence. Baby steps. Keep learning, keep trying, keep enjoying.

Tell me in the comment sections what you’ve learned about relationships and yourself lately.

Below are the aforementioned Tinder posts, in case you missed them. Know someone on Tinder? Share these posts!
  1. My Tinder Mission
  2. Tinder BS-O-Meter Sounds Again
  3. Actual Tinder Scamming Profile
  4. Tinder Photo Swiping
  5. Bye Tinder, I’m Swiped Out!

Writing Prompt Day 9: Something I Crave A Lot

Crave physically? Mentally? Emotionally?

Physically

Sometimes I crave french fries dipped in a chocolate malt. Yumminess.

Mentally

I crave intelligent and inspiring conversation.

Emotionally

I crave love and companionship from a man who will love me inspite of my flaws. I also crave to reciprocate that.

Let me be clear. I know how to be single. I’m independent and do enjoy facets of my singleness. Alone time is important and necessary for me to recharge and regroup. I can come and go as I please. I can decide when or if I’ll cook or do the dishes. However, singleness and loneliness are sometimes synonymous.

I don’t NEED someone in order to function and thrive, but I WANT to share life with someone. Someone who can bring out the best parts of me that I wouldn’t easily discover without that significant other to inspire and encourage me toward new adventures.

I know that some people in the world have found their perfect match or soulmate. You might scoff at that word, soulmate. Scoff if you must, but I choose to believe it can happen. To me. No one’s perfect, I get that. But, perfect simply means a perfect fit for me.

I’m going to keep growing and learning, to keep cultivating a better and better version of me. I’ll continue on my journey, hoping, trusting, moving, enjoying, fighting, and loving. He’s bound to show up, ready to be my fitting soulmate.

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